Intercourse isn’t nearly intercourse. Whether or not we have sex or not, our sexual self is a barometer for a way we really feel. If we’re on prime of the world, that confidence impacts our eroticism and pleasure. The identical goes for after we’re down, harassed, drained, unhappy, excited, anxious, or completely happy. We specific the deeper DNA of our current emotions between the sheets. The identical goes for after we need to get within the temper. There’s no magic swap—it’s a deeper, longer game. 

I’ve been fascinated by intercourse—together with pleasure and intimacy—for the previous a number of years. Over time, I’ve realized it’s much more nuanced than what I used to be taught early on. (Which, actually, wasn’t a lot. Perhaps you may relate.) Most of my training got here a lot later. Again then, I believed intercourse was basic math: a prepared me + a prepared associate = enjoyable foreplay and assured orgasms. I additionally believed there was no must discover what truly will get me within the temper.

Whoa, I used to be improper. The numerous sexual wellness experts I’ve interviewed all through my profession have instructed me that sexual pleasure, pleasure, and eroticism aren’t implicit. They don’t simply occur. Getting turned on and having nice intercourse is exclusive for every of us.

Featured picture by Michelle Nash.

How you can Get within the Temper

So then, what’s the magic bullet? There isn’t one. Nevertheless, there are practices you are able to do to heat as much as the concept of sexual pleasure. Truthfully, getting within the temper stems from feeling good about your physique, thoughts, and soul. It’s about feeding our physiological and emotional parts to result in want, which can lead to bodily arousal.

Listed below are 11 methods that will help you higher join with your self and a associate to get your juices flowing. Bear in mind to go simple on your self and permit your notion to stretch. Getting turned on can come from the least anticipated locations. Take it from Cyndi Darnell, therapist and creator of Sex When You Don’t Feel Like It. “Pleasure-based actions might or is probably not explicitly sexual,” she writes. “That’s to say, pleasure comes from many actions and features of life that may encourage want and eroticism.”

11 Practices for Encouraging Connection and Deeper Need

Earlier than diving into these practices, let’s talk about one vital truth: These should not fast fixes that will help you go from zero to 100 in minutes. These strategies are to awaken and nourish your feelings and physique to encourage extra profound consciousness. Doing this might help to disclose your sexual values and needs. That may be a turn-on in and of itself. 

Word: These practices can every be executed alone or with a associate.

Go for a Stroll

Ideally in nature. This exercise might not sound horny, but it surely’s grounding and deeply sensual. Many years-long analysis reveals that forest bathing considerably reduces stress hormones (and stress is a temper killer). So stroll. Contact the bushes. Take off your sneakers. Let your thoughts wander. Take into consideration intercourse if you need to. In any other case, let your ideas run free. Make this train a approach to reconnect with your self, which might then result in a sexier temper. 

Do a Few Minutes of Breathwork

Breathwork helps harness our breath’s energy to carry forth readability and positivity in ourselves. It additionally helps with the creativeness, which might be unimaginable for getting within the temper. You can begin by merely getting comfy and taking a couple of intentional, sluggish breaths—in by the nostril and out by the mouth. For extra particular instructions, look to this breathwork practice. The bottom line is to decelerate and focus on that one factor.

Take a Lengthy ‘Every part’ Bathe

Seize your favourite shampoo, physique scrub, physique wash, hair masks—all the things you’re keen on—and take it into the bathe for an all-out self-care therapy. Begin by exfoliating your scalp, then work all the way down to your toes. Be intentional and sensually contact your physique as you do that, thanking it for its magnificence and exhausting work. These additional couple of minutes of scrubbing, masking, and rest assist with circulation and stimulate the feel-good hormone serotonin. (To preserve sources, flip off the water between steps.) Get extra tips about perfecting your shower routine aesthetic.

Learn a Attractive Novel

The writing doesn’t need to be excellent, nor does the plot. Seize an grownup novel (Fifty Shades of Grey all the time does it) and skim a couple of passages brazenly and curiously. Don’t decide. Simply droop your present second and bask in what’s occurring on the web page. (In the event you’re up for it, think about studying a couple of pages aloud to your sexual associate.)

Apply a Warming Intimacy Oil

My pal handed me a bottle of Foria Intimacy Arousal Oil a couple of years in the past, and my world exploded. The mix of botanical aphrodisiacs lends a warming sensation to the vulva, labia, and contained in the vagina, encouraging pleasure and blood stream. As Kiana Reeves later instructed me in an interview, Foria prioritizes “feminine pleasure by deeply understanding what prompts it, what retains it going, and the place pleasure comes from,” she says. I apply mine within the morning or generally earlier than a stroll to get my juices flowing. It’s an unimaginable reminder of what our our bodies are able to.

Journal a Fantasy

Seize a pen and pocket book (or laptop computer), discover a quiet and protected place, and hunker down. Take a couple of deep breaths, then begin illustrating a sexual fantasy. Write this with the concept that nobody will ever learn this (as a result of nobody has to ever learn it—that’s your alternative!). 

Ship a Sensual Textual content

Typically probably the most important buzz kill is pondering you’re not in your associate’s thoughts, particularly once they’re on yours. In fact, our days get busy, and work has a maintain on us. However nonetheless, nobody is a thoughts reader. Encourage connection by sending a sensual textual content. It doesn’t need to be overtly horny. Simply heat and loving, even with a little bit of thriller. You’re the finest kisser… I’m pondering of you. It’s enjoyable to ship and obtain. 

Placed on One thing…

That makes you are feeling excellent. It doesn’t need to be lingerie or one thing classically “horny.” It may be a silk shirt or wool trousers—so long as the fabric and match honor your physique. Once you look good, you are feeling good. And once you really feel good? Effectively, all the good things begins flowing. 

Take heed to a Sexual Wellness Podcast

The worth of gleaning some counsel might be unparalleled, even when such recommendation comes from a media supply. Many unimaginable podcasts provide knowledge and trustworthy takes on deepening sexual pleasure, discovering which means within the sheets, and having extra enjoyable. Even taking a couple of minutes to pay attention might be transformative. I stole this sensible idea from Kelly, who suggests listening to the most effective, Emily Morse. Her podcast, Sex with Emily, is horny, insightful, and provoking.

Kiss—Slowly and for a Lengthy Time

The science behind kissing is fascinating. Analysis reveals our saliva comprises testosterone, which performs a job in enhancing intimacy and our intercourse drive. And the longer we kiss, the extra testosterone is launched. So this begs the invitation to kiss, even once you’re not within the temper or not planning to have intercourse. Kiss slowly and intently, and let the magic of hormones take over. Belief me, this one all the time works like a allure. 

This publish was final up to date on June 29, 2025 to incorporate new insights.